Sunday, April 29, 2007

Selling Jesus (Get me some of that God-Crack)

The other day, okay maybe a couple of weeks ago, I was out for a walk. As I rounded the corner, I encountered the people who hand out the little smiley face stickers with the phrase 'Jesus Loves You' printed underneath. Suddenly, that smiley face seemed so....awful. Of course, they tried to peddle Jesus off to me with their stickers and a hurried spiel that sounded curiously the same as if they were trying to sell crack to me on the sidewalk. Really, you could just as easily substitute Jesus for Crack. It was disturbing to say the least.

I used to enjoy arguing with these people. Telling them that I don't believe in God, or Jesus or Heaven or Hell. Alot of the time I would be told I would be going to hell.

How can I when I don't believe in it?

The ones that really irk me, though, is the Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints people. They are brutal. And the most fun to fuck with, really. I've had many run ins with these people. One memorable incident was a few years ago. A pair of men in black suits holding a bible came knocking on my door. It was obvious who they were. I answered the door, and being who I am, got into a 'conversation' with them. It became very heated, particularly because I told them other gods existed before theirs, and one of them yelled at me (after I closed the door on them) 'I hope you rot in hell!!!!'
How nice.

Another one very recently.

Again, I was walking from the grocery store, hands were full with numerous grocery bags, on my way home. About a block from my house, I spied them.

The LDS people are easily recognizable. They are usually in suits, and look as if they are circling, like vultures, waiting for their prey. You better watch out if you are a woman alone, or if you are mother and child-prime prey. They'll swoop down so goddamn fast, you won't even realize what's going on till the last goddamn minute.

Yes, I saw them (they always come in pairs) across the street, eyeing me and my groceries, their heads close together in conference, trying to figure the best route of attack as they circled.

Finally, one of them said: 'Hello ma'am. You need some help with those groceries?'

'I'm all set, thanks.' I say, disgusted at their obvious ploy.

'oh, all right ma'am. You have a good day. God bless you.'

So.... what? You want to help me with my groceries so you can preach your word of God and try and convert me AND in helping me with groceries, will then know where I live so you can come to my house later and try and convert me again? Is that right?

That is creepy, bordering on harrassment, and stalking.

Also, as a side note, I still get spammy e-mails from 'Jesus' selling Viagra. That's just halarious.

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1 comment:

  1. LOL! I just have to share this as it's a GREAT way to get rid of them FOREVER if they knock on your door.

    1. Jesus ppl at door - check
    2. Bikini, towel, or lack of modesty - check
    3. Open door to the shock and horror of the Jesus people.
    4. Watch said people back away and stutter never to return.

    I did this accidentally to LDS women at my door. String bikini (before baby) of minimum proportions, maximum skin for tanning. Best day EVER.